


Just Tell Me We're Okay (Are We Okay?)

by Nikka001



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Arguing, Christmas Time, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Light Angst, Mama Carisi - Freeform, Mama Carisi makes an appearance because I said so, Post-Break Up, Post-Relationship, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25782220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/pseuds/Nikka001
Summary: When is an apology not good enough? What action is so bad that one forgets the love they have for a person? Will they be okay?Amanda made a mistake. A horrible mistake that she wishes she could take back. There was a reason, of course, there's always a reason. But hers, hers is a good reason. But that doesn't change what she's done. Can it be forgiven?
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Just Tell Me We're Okay (Are We Okay?)

**Author's Note:**

> So...I really don't know where this came from. At all. It was just in my files unfinished and since I didn't write down what I was doing originally, I just went with what I thought of first. And this was it. 
> 
> Believe me, I do have a backstory for this. And it will be coming in Part 2. 
> 
> For now...enjoy.
> 
> -Annika

* * *

Her boots crunch through the snow that covers the ground as she crosses the road to the familiar townhouse. She pulls her jacket tighter around her shivering body, instantly regretting not throwing on a warmer sweater, but hikes up the steps all the same. Reaching the top, she raises her hand to knock on the door but hesitates. 

She shouldn’t be here. She knows that. But she can’t help it. She knows they need to talk, but she’s scared of what might come after. Scared that he’ll stay away for good this time. 

Before she knows what she’s doing, her knuckles are on the front door. She holds her breath while she waits and shoves her hands into her pockets. Voices can be heard from inside and finally, the door swings open. 

“Amanda?” 

He looks different than the last time they spoke. It’s been a few weeks; just long enough for his facial hair to grow out into a suitable beard. Nothing too crazy, but still, it’s strange. He’s dressed casually in a dark blue henley, dark jeans, and a kitchen towel draped over his right shoulder. She smiles at the sight -- he looks so relaxed when he’s in his element. 

“Hi. Can I come in? We need to talk.”

He glances behind him for a brief moment and then turns back to her. “Look, right now isn’t  really a good time.”

“Please, Sonny. You know we need to talk about this.”

He takes a step closer and holds up a hand. “Amanda, I’m not doing this with you right now. Okay?”

She opens her mouth to argue but another voice beats her to it. 

“Nicky, where’d ya go?”

Carisi turns and leans back into the house. “It’s nothing, Ma. I’ll be there in a second.”

Amanda digs her hands deeper into her jacket pockets to hide her trembling fingers. She’s heard him talk about his family before on multiple occasions, but she’s never actually met them. She’d hoped that one day she would have the pleasure but now, she’s not so sure. Not with what’s happened.

Turning back to her, he pulls the towel off his shoulder and wipes off his hands - she’s just now noticed the almost dough-like substance covering his fingers - while sighing heavily. “Five minutes. That’s it.”

“Thank you.” She smiles at him and waits for him to step aside before she enters the house.

It’s a warm and homey atmosphere in the front room. The walls are dark maroon and the carpet floor squishes beneath her boots as she steps further into the room. A tall bushy Christmas tree decorated with twinkling lights and several strands of popcorn is set up in the far corner near the fireplace. Stepping closer, she notices several homemade ornaments hung among the branches but one sticks out to her more than the others. She remembers when he got it -- Jesse had been so excited to give it to him that she stayed up all night waiting for them to get off work. Rollins smiles at the memory but when she turns around to face Carisi, her smile fades. 

His face is set hard, his lips pulled tight and he’s avoiding her gaze. “Alright, start talking.”

Amanda breathes in deeply, holds it, and then lets it out in one shaky breath. This is going to be a lot harder than she thought. “I think we need to talk about what happened.”

Carisi folds his arms across his chest and lifts his head to look her in the eyes. “What’s there to talk about, Amanda? I think you said all you needed to say before.”

“I just--” 

Her words are cut short when another voice interrupts their conversation, “Dominick Carisi Jr, where in heaven's name did you--oh!”

Amanda stumbles forward when the owner of the voice crashes into her from behind, only managing to keep herself off the floor when Sonny reaches his arms out to catch her. 

“What the hell, Ma?!” Carisi helps Amanda regain her balance, only letting her arms go when she nods to let him know she’s okay. He’s glaring at the person behind her and when she turns around she sees an older woman glaring right back. 

She’s a small woman with dirty blonde hair that hangs in loose curls just brushing the top of her shoulders. A small cross hangs from a simple silver chain around her neck. Her light blue eyes are narrowed into slits as she stares at her son but the look on her face soon turns to one of curiousness as she finally notices Amanda. 

“Oh, hello.” She clasps her hands together in front of her and takes a few steps towards the pair. “Nicky, you didn’t tell me you were having a friend over. I could’ve set another plate.”

Carisi sighs and runs a hand over his face. “I didn’t tell you cause I didn’t know she was stopping by.”

Amanda takes a short step forward and offers her hand. “Hi. I’m Amanda. I work with Nicky at SVU.” He sends her a glare that really lacks any heat. “I’m sorry about interrupting your dinner but I just really need to talk with your son for a moment. If that’s alright with you, Mrs. Carisi.”

“Amanda? Oh, you must be Nicky’s little girlfriend. Well then, please, just call me Maria.” She shakes the aforementioned hand. “And we were just sitting down to eat if you’d like to join us. I’ll just have Teresa set another place for you.”

Both Amanda and Carisi open their mouths to protest but Maria is gone before they ever have the chance. They stand there together in the festive room, neither one quite sure how to dive back into a conversation that neither one of them really wanted to have in the first place. In the end, it’s Carisi who takes the lead.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t exactly tell her about... she can be a bit uh, much. Sorry.”

Amanda waves him off. “Don’t worry about it. I just, I really need to explain what happened. If you’ll let me.”

She worded it the best she could, even giving him an out if he really didn’t want to talk. But she knows him. Better than he knows himself and she knows that he does want to know what happened. She can tell. He doesn’t take the out, though. He looks at her with tired eyes but eventually nods and gestures for her to take a seat in one of the chairs while he takes a seat on the couch. She can’t help but notice how much distance he’s put between them now but chooses not to mention it. Instead, she smiles gratefully and takes a seat in one of the offered chairs - the one as close as she’s allowed.

“I know you have no reason to believe me when I tell you this but I really really did not want to hurt you. I was just angry and...and I made a mistake. A mistake that hurt you.”

She’s trying to keep the tears at bay but when he won’t even look at her, that hurts more than him yelling or telling her to just get out. His silence is killing her. All she wants is another chance. To make things better. But first, she has to get him to look at her. 

“Dominick, please look at me.”

He sighs and fidgets with the towel in his lap but looks up at her like she asked. 

She wishes she hadn’t. 

He looks like he’s barely holding himself together. His eyes are glossy and a few tears have escaped and trailed down his cheeks and into his beard. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his sweater and sits up a little straighter in his seat. 

“You should’ve talked to me if you were that angry about what happened. We would have dealt with it. Together.”

She nods and sniffles, trying to hold back her tears. “I know. I know. And I wish I had, okay? I wish I could go back and do so many things differently, but I can’t. I can’t go back. All I can do--all we can do--is try and move forward, try to fix things.”

He breathes deeply, running a hand down his face. “I don’t know what you want from me, Amanda.”

“I want you to say that you forgive me and that we can try again! That you still want me and my girls. I want you to say that you still love me!” Her voice rises with each word and by the end, she’s standing and shouting at him with tears running down her face and chest heaving.

He stands suddenly and when he speaks, his voice matches hers in volume. “Of course I still love you. I never stopped loving you Amanda and that’s the problem! After everything that happened, I should be angry at you. I should never want to see you again. But that’s not how I feel and that’s not what I want. I want to be with you. I want to love you every day for the rest of our lives and I hate that. I hate that even after what happened, I can’t get you out of my head. I love you so much that I want to forgive you just like that. But I can’t.”

“Sonny-”

“You should go.” A voice from behind cuts her off firm as Sonny looks away, wiping the tears from his cheeks. 

She turns to find Maria standing in the doorway that leads to the kitchen, her face set, and her hands resting at her sides. Amanda notices the other few of the Carisi family standing further into the kitchen behind their mother, none of them looking her way but it’s clear that they heard everything that just went down. She nods and lets Maria walk behind her as she heads for the front door and Sonny hurries into the kitchen with the rest of his family. Maria unlocks the door and holds it open so they can both walk out onto the front steps.

“I don’t know what happened between you and my son,” Maria says before Amanda can walk away. “But I know that he loves you. And it’s obvious to me that you love him as well otherwise you wouldn’t be here admitting that you did anything wrong. He may not be ready to forgive you just yet, but he will. If I know my son as well as I think I do, you just need to give him some time. Time and space. That’s all he needs right now.”

Amanda sniffles against the cool winter breeze and the tears still trailing down her cheeks. “Thank you. Can you tell Sonny that...just tell him that I love him? And that when he’s ready to talk, I’ll be waiting.”

Maria nods her head and takes a step back as Amanda continues down the front steps and onto the sidewalk. She watches as Amanda crosses the road and waves goodbye as she climbs into her car. Maria waits a few more minutes to watch Amanda drive back down the way she came and when she sees the car round the corner at the end of the block, she smiles to herself before stepping back inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you guys think! Would love some feedback!
> 
> -Annika


End file.
